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Learned to Love my Handicap

By Kidatheart

Funny, how your world can turn upside down in a flash. That is the last thing I saw was a flash then I awoke in the hospital. 220 volts going in my one hand out the other, stopping my heart. If I am writing this then yes I lived but only to the thanks of a passerby knowing CPR and the quick response of the EMTs. Who said cable TV isn't harmful to your health, just working for Cable Company can be. I hurt from not just the electrical burns but my whole body hurt from my muscles all contracted as the voltage went through me. What I was having issue with is my bladder. The accident left me incontinent. The doctors said it might be temporary. My two choices of protection was either a condom catheter or a brief (diapers). While in the hospital I tried the catheter and while sleeping I turned and pulled the hose off and wet everywhere and then the seal around my penis wasn't good another time and wet myself again. I decided that the diapers were best solution. Since both my hand were wrapped, needed help from someone else to help me. I felt like a baby, needing help to be fed, dressed and most of all my diaper changed. Lucky for me I only needed help for total of 2 weeks then I was able to take care of myself. Nothing worst then having your mother change your diaper at 30 y.o. I went back to work with the cable company after a month. I still had to wear diapers but soon learned how to make due. The doctors were wrong. My incontinence wasn't temporary. I did kegal exercises all the time and still my bladder was weak. I carried a backpack with diapers, wipes, powder, and an extra pair of pants. I also found it very useful to carry other thing in the front pocket wallet, money, keys and stuff like that; kind of a purse. I was managing my life and my handicap pretty well I thought for being a year after the accident. Work was going pretty good. Money wasn't an issue due to a nice settlement from the power company, the primary fault of the accident. Just my personal life I had issues with. I did go out with my friends and co workers but I couldn't get close to a girl, always afraid of her making fun of me and my diapers. To be honest I did feel less of a man cause of them.

My Life changed for me on the most embarrassing day of my life. I went to do an install for a customer at a nursing home. I've been there before and knew where everything was. I signed in at the front and made contact with the customer. The room I needed to get into to turn the cable on, was a storage room and it was locked. I asked one of the nurses on duty to unlock it and she did. . I saw cases of diapers and other supplies. I did think I could use some of the stuff in there but my supplies were free and I wasn't a thief. I moved a box of something and I felt myself wet some. I excused myself and went and got my back pack out of my truck. I changed in the restroom and then returned to the storage room to get my tool. As I was leaving the room one, the nurse that let me in confronted me about my backpack. Of course I said there wasn't anything in there of theirs. I opened my bag and she saw the diapers and accused me of stealing from them and wouldn't listen. They had there security guy escort me to the front office and the nurse told the director what she saw. When she let me into the room I didn't have the backpack. Went to my truck returned with the backpack, and then went to restroom. Then I went back to the storage room. When she went to lock the room up she noticed the boxes were moved and that I was wearing a diaper. She called me a pervert. I went off and opened my back pack dumped everything out on the directors desk. The nurse yelled, "See he is trying to steal them.When she saw the diapers. I yelled back that I was incontinent after I was electrocuted a year ago. "I guess I stole the wipes, powder, and small bags to put the used one in." I yelled. The room was silent as the director picked up one of the diapers and said in a calm voice to the nurse, Sue "we don't carry this brand and you really owe this gentleman an apology". She said she was sorry and her and the security guard left. I started to pick my supplies up off the desk. I was shacking I was so mad and embarrassed. The Director handed me the diaper she had and handed it to me and said she was real sorry for this ordeal. I looked at her; she was nice looking lady maybe in her late 40's I started to cry. I don't know if it was from being embarrassed or just the broke under the stress of feeling less of a man in front of a beautiful woman. She came over and we sat on the sofa. She held me close to her and started rocking as I cried. Wasn't long before I stopped crying and there was an over all since of security in me. I sat up and she asked if I was better. I said yes and apologized I didn't know what came over me. She introduced her self as Cybil, I shyly said hi. She said she understood what happened it was very embarrassing plus she guess I have not had any incontinence counseling. I sad no what is that. She explained that incontinence counseling was learning how to deal with it and talk about my feeling about it. She said part of today's ordeal could have been prevented by a concealer. From the look on my face, she knew I didn't know what she meant. She explained further that it was a undershirt that buttoned at the crotch and will help cover the diaper when bending over or reaching up, kind of an anti plumber crack shirt. It also helps prevent the diaper from slipping down. I said yes I could use those with my work. She said that some people don't like to use them because they are basically an onesie like an infant would wear. I said I wasn't to sure about that then. Cybil interrupted me that I just said I could use those for work and if it could prevent embarrassment wouldn't it be useful. I agreed and asked where I could get some. She said she has some around here somewhere and if I wanted I could stop by her place after I got off. We both stood up and she gave me her cell phone number and told me to call after I got off work. The rest of my work day was easy but drugged on.

It was the end of my day but the beginning my new love. I called Cybil at six when I got off work. She asked me to come on over to her house and gave me the address. The neighborhood she lived in was in the well off part of town in one of those subdivisions built around a golf course. Her house was a nice size 2 story place at the end of a culversac both lots on each side was empty and woods in the back, lots of privacy. Cybil came out to meet me and said she didn't think I would have any problem finding the place since I worked for the cable company. She invited me inside and introduced me to her girlfriend Abby. Abby asked if I would like a glass of water and Cybil asked for one to. Cybil led me to her study and asked me to sit on the sofa. Abby brought 3 glassed of water on a tray and offered me 1st pick. I thanked her and took a sip and placed it on the coaster next to me. Cybil sat next to me and Abby sat at the desk. Cybil explained that Abby was an urologist at the local hospital and would like to sit in on the incontinence counseling. I told them I thought I was coming over for just the concealer. Cybil said that she felt sorry for what happened and was trained in incontinence counseling and thought I could really benefit from it. Especially after i broke down in her office earlier that day. I agreed and then asked Abby what her last name was and where she worked? She said Dr Young; I gave a puzzled look and said my urologist is Dr young. She told me that he was her dad. They asked me to tell them what happened to me to cause my incontinence. I went through the story of my accident and how I was living with my problem. They both asked me some questions from time to time about some detail of my story. The one question that really hit home was how did I feel. I looked at both these ladies and the frog in my throat grew bigger and I said it.

"I don't feel like much of a man. I walk the walk and talk the talk in front of others but when it is just me I want to cry. I am afraid of being close to a woman for the same reason she would think less of me as a man. Cybil spoke first. Allen what you are feeling is natural you have a handicap and you need to learn to view it from a different side to cope with it". Abby cut in and asked me to go get my backpack. I quickly returned and both ladies were near the desk. "Cybil told me of your back pack with your supplies which is a good way to keep you stuff." Abby said "What I would like to see, if I could, is how you are wearing your diaper and how you change it." Cybil saw the fear in my face and said you know we are both professionals and in you doing this we can see if the diaper is fit and put on right and make sure you are cleaning your self good to prevent rash and sores. I said ok I see your points. I lowered my pants and exposed my diaper as they put on rubber gloves. Cybil asked when my last change was and I told her hour and half to two hours ago. She took what looked like a strip of paper and slipped it into the crotch of the diaper. She explained it would take the temperature and ph balance. She looked at the fit and suggested I tape the top and bottom tapes at an angle for a better fit. Then she asked me to change my diaper. I grabbed my backpack and gathered my supplies. I removed my diaper and before I folded it Cybil retrieved the test strip. I took a wipe and cleaned up but before I could put my diaper back on they stopped me. Abby came over for a look, she noticed a sore and rash on my left check. I was told to continue getting changed. I remembered to angle the tapes down and it did feel better. Cybil checked my diaper out and said I did a good job. I needed to start using some cleaner with the wipes to lower the ph or more wipes and some cream for the rash and sore. Abby also suggested if I drank more water it would help lower the Ph of my urine and if I trimmed down there it'd be easier to clean. Abby handed Cybil the concealer as Cybil stood in fount of me and pulled my shirt off and put on the concealer. Couple times I tried to help and she corrected me that she can do it. After she finished snapping the snaps in the crotch she stepped back for a good look. Abby asked a year ago, if I asked you who wears diapers what would have been your answer. "A baby" I said. "Yes a baby and right now you are wearing a diaper and an onesie." Abby said "So you're a baby," I got mad and yelled "No I have to wear these and you said this would help hide my diapers." Cybil in a calm voice asked if I was feeling like I did earlier at the nursing home. I said yes and she asked what did I do? I answered you held me. She guided me over to the sofa and she sat and pulled my down to where my head was on her shoulder, she held me with one arm around my back and other on my bottom. She started to rock and patted my diaper then she whispered in my ears. "Does that feel better?" All I could do is give a little nod. Abby came and sat next to Cybil and me. She placed one arm around Cybil and other she rubbed my head. Abby gently apologized for making me mad but they wanted to show me something. Cybil asked what I was thinking about now and earlier when she was holding me. I mumbled nothing. Abby asked then you were not thinking about all the problems I had. I responded I forgot all about them. Cybil said yes just like a baby. Your diapers provide you with physical secureness from the outside world and they can give you that mental secureness also letting you forget the outside world to if you learn to love them. Abby had me put my pants and shirt on over the onesie and had me bend over and I saw how it could be useful. They told me to try it for a couple days then call Cybil and I can order some more. I left feeling real relaxed. At my house I changed my diaper before bed and as I laid there I started rubbing the outside of the diaper till I came. This was the first time I came since my accident.

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